Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
