Hey man sorry I got all grabby
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
