so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
