drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
