You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
