party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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