One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
