you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
