Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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