It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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