i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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