meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
