if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
