There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
