Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
