please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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