Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
