I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
