Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
