im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
