I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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