Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
