I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
