I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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