I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
