"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
