there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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