I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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