3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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