Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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