plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
