Jerry, you need to find god
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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