life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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