You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and she was petting her beer can
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
