my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
