I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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