fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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