omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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