Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize