3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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