I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
