Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
