things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
