You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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