the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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