i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
