we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
