Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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