1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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