So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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