He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
