I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
